A Hero's Journey

A new comedy play, showing summer 2011. Etcetera Theatre, Camden.

Science Fiction

Not so much a blog this time, as a warning.

A lot of sf writers, most notably Russel T Davies the head script writer on Doctor Who, will tell you that the first rule of science fiction writing is that there are no rules. You basically make up whatever you want. The characters don't need personalities, all they need is a big space ship. The aliens don't need to be interesting, just something toy companies can engage with. The plot doesn't need to make sense, you can simply write down the first thing that comes into your mind and run with it.

Well, I hate to shock you, but NO NO NO NO NO! Science fiction isn't just writing down a load rubbish you think eight year olds will think is cool! It does actually have to make sense, within the realms of the universe you have set up. In science fiction, things are justified, at the end of the day, by logic and science, not whimsy and manatees with idea balls. All powerful villains cannot be conquered by human admin temps without a basic knowledge of starship regulation, and cannot work a hyperdrive without at least reading the manual first, even if they have superhuman intelligence due to a mind melding process. It just wouldn't happen.

The entire point of science fiction is that it is supposed to make sense. Sure, it is based on hypothesis and probabilities, but that's just it. You can't set up one thing and do another. You can't say that only the red button will launch a photon torpedo, only for the hero to find a secret blue button that does the same thing at the end of the story. It's just a cop out. If you write yourself into a corner, then go back and re-write, don't just power through with nonsense. Where is your pride? Save all the nonsense and ridiculousness for your next fantasy novel, unless you are writing a new series of Bucky O'Hare or something. I think that might be the only place that bonkers science fiction actually works.

You've been warned,
Matthew Rain

The Writer as Critic

A key part of writing is self reflection. Though you should always hand out your work to peers for feedback, you should also try to identify the worst aspects of your writing yourself. If you can do that, then you needn't speak to anyone ever again apart from your publisher and your accountant, who will be looking after all the money you make from your big seller. I think that's what J.K Rowling is like. I don't think she even talks to her kids anymore. Has anyone actually seen them? I think she probably killed them years ago and dissolved their bodies with acid... Maybe that's libelous?

As I have stressed before, grammar and spelling isn't really that important, so don't try and edit yourself that way. No point, just let the programme do it. It's all about trying to pick out the weakest points of your plot, and thinking about what you can change for the better. Most things in genre writing are thrown in for impact rather than plot, so maybe you should think about what would wow your audience more. Think BIG. If you've got a space cruiser in your story, add a few more cannons and misshapen wings. If you're writing literary fiction, make your handicapped character even more disabled, like someone in a wheelchair, but also has tourrets, stuff like that.

Speaking of character, adding a few more never hurts a story. Even if they are tiny and more or less inconsequential, they enrich a story and give the universe more flavour and validity. Just look at dense works like Star Wars and Lord of the Rings. Millions of characters, most of which named, all more or less pointless, but fun all the same. I heard that Hannibal Lector wasn't even in Silence of the Lambs until the very end when the author decided he needed a bit of novelty.

Also, be on the look out for phrases that repeat, you don't want to repeat yourself. I once presented a piece of writing to a publisher that had the phrase 'but that wasn't even the half of it' seven times in five hundred words. That was embarrassing. We managed to compromise on it only occurring three times, just to make sure it wouldn't look silly.

It might be useful practise to re-read your favourite book and try your best to pick it apart and say what you would have done better. For example, one of my favourite novels is the Oliver Twist by Charles Dickens. I've always thought it would have worked better is Oliver was a girl instead of a boy, would have really put an edge on it, made the whole thing a lot more seedy and depressing. Olevera Twist. I also tried to do this with Wizard of Oz, but it didn't really work, you can't really criticise perfection.

Adios friends,
Matthew Rain

The Crime Thriller

Crime thrillers are plentiful. Just look on the television. Throughout the history of television programmes, there has probably been more detective serials than anything else ever. Bergerac, Columbo, Kojak, Morse, all out there ready to be consumed by the unemployed, lonely and bewildered. The simple fact of the matter is, that real life isn't like the crime thriller. Detectives never solve anything because they're too busy doing admin, following pointless leads and doing people for parking offences. Poirot, Cracker, Relic Hunter, the list is endless.

So, if you really want to write one of these in novel form, you need to dig deep and come up with something really special. The Watchmen, Alan Moore's graphic novel that has recently been made into a film, is a good example of someone taking a genre by the balls and giving them a good old pull. Sure, Alan Moore didn't try and write a real novel, but he didn't let that hold him back, and just drew some pictures and some words and hey presto, critical acclaim. That just goes to show you that it's not how you write it or present it, just it's about IT. The story, I mean. Although his wasn't that great, just Batman really.

If you want to write Crime, you need a seriously amazing central character, and some grotesquely intelligent murders. I know the rest of the genre doesn't seem to adhere to this rule, they're all the same essentially after all, but if you want to stand out and make it, then you need a lovable genius, a no holds barred maverick who likes to start by playing by the rules, then breaking them one by one until the murderer is behind bars and the girl is saved. Indiana Jones basically. Or at least someone like Indiana Jones in a contemporary setting. Not a bad idea actually.

There also needs to be quite a lot of sex in a crime thriller, at least a few chapters worth, each more exciting than the first. And if you haven't had sex before, just use your imagination. You'll probably do better than those with years of experience, because you probably would have exercised your imagination quite a lot trying to work out what exactly goes on. Use it.

Gun fights, blood, murder, tommy guns and 1950's style cars, a private eye with a sharp ear, and you've got yourself a smash hit on your hands. I would never write crime however, boring really.

Cheers,
Matthew Rain

Structuralism And You

Fond greetings. Today I shall tell you everything you will ever need to know about Structuralism. Structuralism is nothing to do with architecture, let me point that out straight away. It's nothing to do with drills, or the study of council flats, or how many brick do you have before a few bricks turns into a pile of bricks, and all the other things builders probably talk about. Structuralism is the study of looking at stories, seeing common threads, and then copying those similarities in your own story so that you can fool people into thinking it's along the same lines. Good example, George Lucas and Star Wars. He took one good look at the Wizard of Oz and thought, I know, I can just make it a space opera in space. And look at him now, people swallow whatever he churns up and calls a story!

Basically, stories have a beginning, a middle, and an ending, unless you like to play around with form, then you can have two beginnings and maybe three endings, skipping the middle entirely (because what happens in the middle really?). There are certain things that define these stages of a story.

For example, at the beginning of a story, the hero of the piece goes off somewhere, usually just because he's bored and fancies himself as a bit of an adventurer. In the middle, various things happen that are more or less inconsequential to the plot, like he meets people, has sex with someone, buys a new washer, meets his evil twin brother. It doesn't really matter what happens here. Then comes the ending, where I like to think the story really begins. Here, the people he meets are killed by a death ray, he realises the person he had sex with is HIV positive, the washer is broken and he's got to take it back to the shop, and the twin brother murders him and he wakes up because it was all a dream, thus ending the story.

Structuralism defines many genres and story types. For example, Romance. Now, no-one in their right mind would actually write one of these books unless they are a grossly dull human being. However, if you were in it simply for the money, you could follow the simple structure that defines the genre. Girl meets boy, girl meets other boy, girl decides to go for boy instead of boy, and they live happily ever after. Easy. Same with horror. Girl meets boy, girl finds boy murdered, girl turns into monster, finds time travelling machine, goes back in time and murders boy. And so on. See? See how Structuralism works and is good for you? Why not pick your own genre and follow a safe pattern to immortality in the hearts of readers everywhere. Or you could just write literary fiction and die miserable.

Yours,
Matthew Rain

Writing As Art

Contrary to popular belief, writers are artists. They're not just English Students who couldn't handle Shakespeare so went off to write something a little more user friendly themselves. Nope, writers are as artistic as painters, sculptors and musicians, except Morrissey, who is better than anyone really.

Like artists, writers have a pallet, tools and colours to use in their writing. We paint a picture in the mind, not just on a piece of paper or on a wall or something, which I think is better in a way. Something that prints in the mind stays in the mind, where as a piece of paper could tear or get burnt. Surely it's just common sense? What we do is eternal, as long as you actually get published, and if you don't in your first year then it's not worth it. Take it from me.

But as I mentioned, writers use colours too. I don't mean like 'the chair was red', or 'the building was dark black', or 'that lump of something probably shouldn't be green'... or maybe I do mean that. Even I, your tutor, is a little confused on the subject on colour, and maybe that's the point. Perhaps some examples?

RED: The colour of love, and blood and guts and entrails. The juxtaposition alone there is enthralling for the reader. Use it.

YELLOW: The worst colour ever. But some flowers are yellow. Yellow is also the colour of cowardice. Why not make your next cowardly character in a fantasy a yellow imp? It's stuff like that that wins awards.

GREEN: Green with envy, obviously. And grass and things. Is your character in a field? Think green then.

ORANGE. A common misconception is that the sun is orange. It is not orange, it is white. It's a star after all. Sort it out. But orange is a type of fruit too...

PURPLE: That monster thing off of McDonalds.

I've lost my way somewhere there, but I think you get the picture. Use colour in your writing, bring things to life in the mind of the reader.

Take care, enjoy freedom,
Matthew Rain

Inspire Yourself, By Yourself

Welcome back, what kept you?

Some people will tell you that writing is all about painting a picture in your mind and spilling it out in word form onto a piece of lined paper. They're more or less right.

So, you want to write a novel? Steady on, let's try to walk before we can pole vault. It took me an entire two months to write my first novel, so don't think it's something you can rush into. Why not spend an hour or two researching? In this entry, I shall try to let you in on some writing secrets with regards to where to gain inspiration and the know how to be creative.

Your first port of call should be a magazine. Any magazine. Literally go into the newsagents round the corner and pick one up without looking. Buy it, don't just stand there reading it like one of those idiot students you see in Woolworths, actually do the country a favour and buy it.

If it's a gardening magazine, it doesn't matter, use Alan Titchmarsh's smug self satisfied grin as a bit of inspiration. (Note to self: Write story about the murder of Alan Titchmarsh. Entitled 'Twit in the Marsh') If it's a womens magazine, like 'Grazia' or 'Cushions Weekly', no matter, women are people too. If you are a women, why not pick your favourite article about how rubbish men are and write a story about the last time you were stood up or something. If it's the Sun, then you've picked up a paper, not a magazine. If it's a comic, invent a super-hero. I, for example, invented Flannel Man, who has the power to absorb very tiny amounts of water and wipe surfaces clean with minimul fuss. Etc, the list is endless. Just see something, write something, Easy.

Look at how the words are used in the magazine, the pictures, the headlines. Know that these are meant to draw you in, but you chose at random so you're above their shallow sales tactics. Take pride in that, and use your pride to write something brilliant. Think of me when you do. Thank me if you like.

Be creative. Just doodle or something if you can't write. "Take care," said your mentor.
Matthew Rain